Living in a simply complicated wonderful world, don't lose sight of what's really important and you'll find your way. Strive to be happy, it's a way of life.
- Leo Tolstoy
- Ernest Hemingway
What have I desired from life. There was a lack of feel…I desired acceptance and open communication. What I was told at home from a young age shaped me to believe that loving the people you choose to have in your life meant that those people would love you back. How ignorant, naïve and weak was I to believe that emotions like hate, greed, and jealousy did not exist.
Over and over again the same lesson is being taught to me. I get hit by individuals who claim to want my well being but already come with their pre agenda. How can I trust again? How can I forget my pain? I cover it up so well, but it continues to eat away at me from the inside. I look no longer for the company of others, but for inner peace. For shanti. I know I am not at wrong. I can look myself in the eye and face myself and therefore face the world. I might desire solitude, but I am not alone. I may get lonely at times, but I am not alone. Yet, I also realize, that a part of me has given up. No longer am I that carefree person, that bubbly person, that always had so much to share and so much to say. I had a fire within me to learn and share myself with others, in hopes that I would learn and grow as a person. I spent my time with the wrong people who took part in extinguishing my fire.
I want to rekindle that fire, I want that part of me back…
I struggle on a daily basis, looking for that part in me, I hope it’s still in me somewhere, it’s the last hope I have.
I don’t even know where to look anymore, its as though I am limp figure in the room seeking a light that I cannot even see. Neither do I know my path or my destination. I keep dreaming that it exists? But does it really? Am I fooling myself into believing that there is more to this life? When really this is it. This is it.
I thought being wounded once would somehow make me stronger to another attack. But here I am, wounded once more and this time it hurts even more. I know I cannot give up trusting others, because without trust there is no relationship. But how can I? How can I trust people I think I know when those are the ones who hurt me in the end…
I am weak now. But I refuse to give up. I will trust those few that I know are worth it and the rest time will tell. I know that I must change my focus from my pain to what matters more and that is finding myself in this mess. To continue to grow even if I don’t know what path my footsteps are on. Life is about mistakes and those that love you will stay with you through your messes. I just pray to have the strength to continue to maintain those relationships I have with people that I have trusted.